A Series of Depressing Events
by SnicketSister
Summary: What happens to people who don't eat enough ketchup...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own A Series of Unfortunate Events, Old Navy, or Heinz. However, I do own one pickle fork.  
**

Violet laid the last few bottles of ketchup on the table. She stared from the table to the clock. It was 1:30. Well, she was a little early. There must be something she was forgetting.

"Klaus!" she called. "I feel like I'm forgetting something."

"Hmm?" said Klaus from the doorframe.

"I feel like I'm missing something."

Klaus looked at the table and counted the bottles. "Violet!" he shouted, aghast with horror. "You forgot the Heinz! There are only 19 bottles!"

"Oh, darn! Well, it's 1:32, can you go get some?" She held out a $20 bill.

"Sure!" said Klaus, collecting the money and dashing out the door to the strip mall down the street.

He made his way to the supermarket and bought the ketchup. Now HE felt like he was forgetting something. He glanced around, hoping for a reminder. The minute his eyes caught a glimpse of Old Navy he remembered. It was Fiona's birthday and he hadn't got her anything! He panicked. It was the sign in the store window that saved him.

"Halter tops for half price! A non-depressing article of clothing at a non-depressing price!"

Klaus glanced at his watch. He still had 20 minutes. With a sigh of relief he sprinted into Old Navy.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Violet was sitting at the table with Sunny, the Quagmires and Fiona.

"It's not like him to be late!" Fiona cried. "I don't know if I can handle the pressure! What if he's been attacked by a large bear who's escaped from the circus! Oh no! What if he's not here by 2?"

"Shut up Fiona. Just because you can't handle 5 minutes apart from Klaus-" Isadora said with a wistful look in her eyes. "I mean, your BOYFRIEND!"

Fiona leaped up, brandishing a fork. "Why, you little…"

"I'm back!" resounded a call from the entrance. "And I got the Heinz!"

"Yay! Oh Klausy-poo!" called Fiona.

"Oh brother," muttered Isadora to Duncan.

"Oh brother is right," muttered Duncan to Isadora, as Quigley leaned in Violet's direction.

At promptly 2:00, everyone began to dig into their ketchup. "Inthelue!" shouted Sunny, meaning "It's a surprise everyone has forgotten the importance of eating ketchup at 2:00 on Thursday afternoon!"

"And it's also surprising that people have forgotten why they should never, ever buy half price-" she paused to wipe her lips with a napkin.

"Don't bother with napkins! Let me take that off!" Quigley leaned over and kissed Violet. It's a real shame he did. Because if he hadn't kissed Violet Baudelaire in the middle of her statement, Klaus would have remembered what he had forgotten earlier. For indeed, it was not Fiona's birthday, and Klaus had forgotten something else that was very, very important.

When the last of the ketchup bottles had been recycled and everyone was sitting around the table laughing and talking, Klaus announced "Happy birthday Fiona!" He pulled the Old Navy bag out from under his chair.

"Oh Klaus! You didn't!" said Fiona. Horror was written all over her triangular shaped glasses. "It's not even my birthday!"

"Open it! Open it!" hollered Klaus mindlessly.

Fiona grimaced and made a silent wish that it would NOT be a halter top. Of course, it was.

Fiona began to scream and dropped the shirt. Klaus clapped his hand over her mouth in a romantic way. "Why don't you go try it on?" He gave her a peck on the cheek. Fiona scooped up the halter top and ran to the bathroom. She might as well get the whole thing over with.

As soon as she had left, Klaus noticed everyone staring at him!

"Orpseride!" shrieked Sunny, which probably meant something along the lines of "Well, someone's loose in the noggin!"

"I like egg nog!" replied Klaus in his slightly ketchup-drunk giddiness.

"No, Klaus! This is awful! She can't wear that top! Horrible things will happen! Don't you remember THE RULE?" Isadora said, leaning over the table.

"What rule?"

"The "never-buy-half-price-halters-at-Old-Navy-rule!"

"Oh darn! I knew I was forgetting something!"

At that moment Fiona returned, wearing the purple shirt. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"I hate life! I hate existence! I hate purple! I'm going to kill myself!"

"I think I'm gonna' be sick," said Duncan, stumbling out of the room.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Klaus. "FIONA!"

Fiona picked up the pickle fork and held it to her throat.

She would have stabbed herself if it hadn't been for Duncan's quick thinking. He had excused himself to go to the bathroom, obviously, but saw Fiona's Herman Melville t-shirt. He snatched it, then ran to the kitchen. He brashly removed the halter top, then dashed the Herman Melville t-shirt on.

Fiona fainted and dropped the pickle fork. Klaus fainted too.

Violet walked over and picked up the halter. Her face went a pale white and she picked up the TV remote, turning it to the news. The smiling news reporter was announcing exactly what Violet didn't want to hear.

"Millions depressed worldwide after Old Navy halter sale!"

A shot of a depressed individual in South Dakota showed. She was stabbing herself with a pickle fork.

Violet turned off the TV.

"Hey! I was watching that!" shouted Quigley angrily.

Violet held the remote out of Quigley's hands.

"The world is in danger, and it's up to us to save it!"

**So what did you think? Hopefully it wasn't too awful, although it's a bit on the loony side. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for waiting a couple of months before updating this. School has been evil. **

Chapter Two

After Duncan had been assigned to take care of Fiona and Klaus in their fainted positions, Violet, Quigley, Sunny, and Isadora ran over to Violet's lab.

"I'm going to make us all superheroes!" Violet said excitedly.

"Ungpadioditadonna?" asked Sunny excitedly, which meant something along the lines of "With little capes and everything?"

"Yeah!" said Violet. "Here we are!"

"I love little capes!" screamed Duncan.

Everyone stared at him.

"Will everyone please just ignore what I just said?" Duncan pleaded.

Violet opened the door to the secret lab. It was one of her favourite places. There were many machines, cages for Sunny's snakes, and more doughnuts than 36 people could eat in a year.

"Okay, I will work on the superhero formula on this computer. Quigley, do you and Duncan want to get started on the costumes? Sunny can just crawl around."

"Hotographickelback?" shrieked Sunny, which probably meant something along the lines of "What about ME? How come I never get to do anything?"

Violet ignored her and turned on the supercomputer. "The file I am about to open is very important. It will turn us all into superheroes."

A small grey window appeared on the screen. Violet began to hit the mouse, not noticing Sunny crawling away sadly.

"Uh, Violet? That's Minesweeper," said Duncan.

"Of course it is! Aw crud, I just clicked on a bomb."

Meanwhile, Sunny was crawling over to the incredibly deadly viper's cage.

"Hiss!" it said.

"Rettyegasnxs," Sunny sighed, which meant something along the lines of "They don't understand me."

The snake hissed. It leaned over and bit her gently, softly. Sunny felt an electrocuting sensation pulsing through her and screamed. The snake pulled back suddenly, shocked and confused. Sunny was bawling on the floor. Violet heard the noise and turned off Minesweeper.

"Sunny!" she cried. Sunny was levitating in the air and throwing a temper tantrum

"She's flying! Whee!" said Duncan, excitedly.

"The snake just bit her, I think," Quigley said.

Violet reached up to grab Sunny, who gave a cry of rage and bit Violet. She screamed as the electrocution raced through her. She fell to the floor and lay there listlessly.

Quigley stared at Violet. All of a sudden there was a strange voice speaking, which sounded an awful lot like his. But he wasn't talking, and neither was Duncan. It seemed to be coming from Violet.

"She looks pretty cute wiped out." Violet said, sounding identical to Quigley.

Quigley froze. Thoughts raced through his mind. Violet spoke in the odd voice once more.

"How does she know what I'm thinking? Oh no. Oh dear no. Don't think about the snow scout trip. Wouldn't want Duncan to know about that, would I? Oh no. She's saying it. I can't think about that time we made out on Mount Fraught, oh no, oh no…" Violet rambled Quigley's thoughts.

"I never knew you two made out on Mount Fraught! Wait 'till Izzy gets a load of this!" Duncan chortled, pulling a cell phone out of his pocket. He dialled the number and waited on the line. All of a sudden Violet stood up and blinked 6 times. Sunny fell in a pile of doughnuts and stopped crying.

"Oseourselfminem," muttered Sunny, meaning something along the lines of "That was strange. Violet was saying everything Quigley was thinking."

"Was I? I don't remember," Violet said, rubbing her forehead. "Ouch."

"Hey! The battery on my phone is dead!" Duncan hollered to nobody in particular. "Darn, and I didn't tell Izzy about Violet and Quigley were making out on Mount Fraught."

"Duncan!" Quigley hissed.

"Is THAT what I was saying?" Violet said, horrified.

"Yes. You were saying everything I was thinking, while I was thinking it."

Violet's jaw dropped and she pointed to the ceiling.

"Look, Sunny's flying!"

Sunny was careening around and eating doughnuts. She swung down to grab a few more and continued to soar around.

"I think when the snake bit Sunny it gave her superpowers and then when Sunny bit you it gave you telepathy," Duncan said with a dignified air.

"I highly doubt that. So if the Incredibly Deadly Viper were to bite you right now, you would get superpowers." Quigley challenged.

"Wanna bet?" Duncan asked. He furrowed his brow.

"Oh yeah."

"Ou'reeautifulameslunt!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of "Hit it, O Incredibly Deadly one!"

The Incredibly Dead Viper uncoiled and bit Duncan on the elbow. It then slithered back to its cage to watch the action. There was none.

"Haha! I win!" Quigley hollered. "BOOYAH!"

"No fair!" pouted Duncan, crossing his arms. Just then his arms seemed to extend, twist and bend until they both touched the walls. Duncan screamed and uncrossed his arms. They spiralled in the air and whacked big holes in the ceiling. Sunny swung in and out among the falling tiles. Duncan's arms retracted to their regular size. Violet and Quigley stood shock still.

"I win." Duncan grinned.

"Well then, if the Incredibly Deadly Viper bit me I would probably get superpowers too!"

"I highly doubt that. It probably only works three times."

"Wanna bet?" Quigley asked.

"Oh yeah."

Violet shook her head in disbelief. This was a very weird day.

"Ou'reeautifulameslunt!" Sunny shrieked once more. The Incredibly Deadly Viper uncoiled tiredly, slowly slid to Quigley, and bit his ankle. It then slithered back to its cage and watched for action, if there was any. Once more, there was none.

"I win." Duncan said. "Oh goody, I've won twice now!"

"No fair!" Quigley pouted and kicked an empty Krispy-Kreme box. The box flew up into a corner faster than anyone could see it move. Quigley was immediately positioned under the box to catch it. He caught it and was positioned instantly in front of Duncan. His next movements were jerky as he moved from place to place faster than anyone could see him move.

"Aha! Superspeed! I DO win!"

Violet, Sunny and Duncan stood before him in disbelief.

"We have to tell everybody." Quigley said slowly. "In the name… of ketchup!"

The four of them dashed out, the Incredibly Deadly Viper following closely behind.

**WILL KLAUS, FIONA AND ISADORA GET SUPERPOWERS? WHAT WILL THEY BE? TUNE IN NEXT TIME...**


End file.
